“And basically all of us live our lives having to decide, you know we’re all improv-ing, we don’t know what we are doing. And you know there’s mechanisms of masking that or hiding that. Socrates gives us reason to think that we must not do that.”
-Daniel of O.G. Rose
August 13th, 2022 - Anchorage, AK - Issue 14
What can be said of the the average human’s sex life in time and space right now, in the arguably all too broadly-aware internet age? The right way to ask this may be to ask what can’t be said of the internet’s influence on people’s sex lives, because it would be difficult to find a counterexample of something that has had nearly as much influence in contemporary times.
In compiling answers what comes through is foremost diversity of opinion, and beyond that also a diversity of perception of sex in the first place, as some hail from aromantic and asexual identifications. Sex in the time of the internet is a far ranging variety of sometimes dichotomous spectrums of experientially influenced preferences, preconceptions, and performances.
First things first, sexual liberation.
Sex is a culturally influenced thing, this we know. It is important to credit the wisdom of non-colonizer/non-slavery beneficiary cultures which prevails against oppressive traditions of white evangelical erotic sterility. The qualifier of “repressed” applies mostly to the racial majorities of populations in imperialist nations as this is often a byproduct of the hegemonically-imposed Eurocentrism these cultures continue to traditionally subscribe to. Cultures more predisposed to incorporating sexual liberation into their list of priorities will be the ones to thank for all progress towards collective liberation.
This being said, we have Khadija Mbowe to thank for their recent contribution to the threshold of originality on sexual liberation, or rather, in characteristically apt Khadija-speak, “Seggs Positive Feminism.” In this video Khadija outlines the recent history of the rise of feminism and sex positivity to the mainstream from slutwalks to the Kardashians and then most recently, girl boss distancing.
They say:
“A lot of people, myself included, are noticing that it’s not giving what they said it’s gonna give… A lot of the women that are online peddling this sex positivity are women that have a certain financial incentive and certain financial level, right? Like they’re just on a certain financial level… I’m a Beyonce apologist… leave me alone… when Bell Hooks called her a terrorist, I was like girl, I don't know if I want to read this author… but thinking back on it, I wouldn’t have used the word terrorist but I understand more now what Hooks meant, as best I can… my interpretation now is moreso she was seeing what a lot of us couldn’t see at the time (and are seeing now) which is the women that are peddling this brand of feminism, that are like the Beyoncés or even maybe not as wealthy as Beyoncé just like the Meg the Stallions. They can afford still to have security, they can afford to live in a gated area, they’re not walking down the street with their keys between their fingers.”
And Laura Pitcher quotes sex therapist Dr. Lexx Brown-James in ‘Are We Really Getting Sick of Hook-Up Culture?’ as saying:
“What people forget about sexual liberation is that it’s also the right to say no.”
and that
“We’re starting to understand that the conversation around empowerment needs more nuances than either going out and having lots of sex as the only means of sex positivity or the typical heteronormative couple that has sex two to three times a week.”
And then there’s this study linked in Pitcher’s piece which actually indicates that fewer young adults are engaging in casual sexual intercourse now than in the past.
& this Twitter thread on a sex positivity-related subject directly points to time spent online as a factor at play in the “sex recession” being discussed:
It would also potentially be worthwhile to mention here the way that complexity is extended further, as many relationship participants use this heightened online presence to resort to, for the validation of their own aforementioned subjective desires.
Next up, porn.
We’re having realizations about porn online. For a good example of one such realization refer to the queen herself:
And if the internet and life as a result of it has taught us anything, it’s the unquestionable moral value of upholding the rights and validity of sex workers, and the contention that these people should be recognized as the erotic wisdom-enhanced humans they are, for their expertise in their specialty. (And because they’ve suffered poor working conditions for far too long, and because um, protect worker rights under capitalism?)
In reading these tweets, we see Asa with a certain degree of clear expertise saying that parents need to not be avoiding the topic of sex the way they currently do (in a widespread way). This or else the kids are going to learn from the experts, from something not intended to be curriculum, and may end up with consent-unaware and otherwise confused expectations where they could otherwise experience ease. (Or maybe they’ll be completely at ease and fully resourced! Important to acknowledge there are always an impressive few who beat the odds!)
“It’s just like lack versus lack, and we still get lack at the end of the day… We’re trying to overlap our lacks, and what we end up realizing is that none of us can fill each other’s lack, we’re always going to be desiring something else. You see this in the general dialogue of relationships, right, this idea of, you know, I caught my husband cheating or something. Or an interest, maybe a man that you’re pursuing, you find that he’s just interested in other things. It might not have to be another woman, it might be that he’s interested in his job, his career, and any aspect and you start realizing that you can’t fulfill that desire of his. At best you might participate in a little bit of his desire.
And so I think this is what ends up being painful is that we realize that we cannot satisfy each other fully because at the end of the day as human beings we’re just always desiring other things and that this lack can never really be fulfilled by a single person. And so I think dating, I want to make this almost metaphysical. Dating in the metaphysical context is trying to match my lack with another lack. … And so that’s what creates the attraction.”
-Javier Rivera, Dating Revolution: Spaces of Desire vs. Social Techno spaces Ft. Michelle Garner/Sanduni
Speaking of attraction, apps, if not the social media apps the dating apps. In a recent interview on podcast “This Btch”, beloved comedian and actor Bobby Lee sought post breakup back-in-the-game advice from the talented duo of Sara Weinshenk and Kim Congdon (much to the horror of the parasocially attached serfs of the Slept Kingdom) . CW: Objectification, queerphobia, explicit content
Lee: You don’t think that it’s over for me?
Unison: No
Congdon: No no no you’re just getting started
Weinshenk: Yeah
Lee: So what do I do? Do I do Tinder?
Unison: No
Congdon: Stay away from Tinder
Weinshenk: It’s rogue as fuck out there on Tinder
Congdon: Don’t go to Tinder you’re gonna get Monkey pox on Tinder
Weinshenk: Yeah you gotta go, Raya
Lee: Monkey pox?
Congdon: Go on Raya
Weinshenk: Go on Raya
Lee: I don’t want to do Raya
Congdon: Why
Lee: I’ll tell you why, I don’t want fancy
And later:
Weinshenk: We can’t have you on Tinder
Congdon: No you can’t
Weinshenk: You at least gotta be on Hinge
Congdon: I’m on Tinder I’m getting off
Weinshenk: You should not be on Tinder
Lee: That’s how I met Khalyla, my girlfriend, my ex girlfriend
Weinshenk: That was a long time ago
Congdon: That was a different time
Lee: Nine years ago
Lee: You’re saying they all look like Shrek?
Congdon: Yeah because when I got back on the dating apps I got Tinder on my phone and it’s horrible
Weinshenk: It’s horrible
Congdon: It’s bad
Lee: Losers?
Unison: LOSers.
There’s some implicit superficiality and classism threaded into this otherwise iconic episode, which does tend to substantiate Mbowe’s previously mentioned assertions. It also bids class-conscious intersectional feminists everywhere develop less corporately manufactured superficial language in which to describe true liberation.
“What does it mean to create a world where we’re not interfering with other people’s ability to feel good?
We’re gonna experience a lot more peace.”
“We’re going to experience the space and the resource to make systemic choices, to make structural choices in our families in our organizations and our lives. To imagine and not only imagine but facilitate, a world that is less rooted in oppression, less rooted in harm, and more rooted in like good loving compassion.”
“What I really want is for people to stop being afraid of being perceived as ugly. I want people to be able to reclaim every single part of their identity, their body, their desires, their dreams, their imaginations from like ‘uglification’, from being told that they are not enough, from being told how to adjust themselves to fit into someone’s vision for them, you know? I want to see people break that shit up so they can be in their fullness and enjoy other peoples’ fullness.”
“Everyone is calling somebody ugly. Ugly is not a status, it is not a actual thing that somebody is. Ugly is how we choose to perceive people. We choose to look at somebody and decide that what we see is ugly. We choose to learn something about somebody and decide that what we know about them is wrong or ugly.”
“I believe that a lot of us make decisions based off of what we have been socialized to believe as right, as moral, as good, ‘this is the way things should be”- and a lot of times the way things should be don’t actually serve our joy or our capacity to be good to ourselves or other people, and so I want people to be able to slow down, to move away from what they’ve been taught and connect to what feels real for them in their heart…”
-Vanessa Rochelle Lewis, Finding Our Way S2 Ep 4: Reclaiming Ugly with Vanessa Rochelle Lewis
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WWADWWAD (?) Featured Curiosities:
accountabilitymapping.thinkific.com/
www.yellowtrace.com.au/x-ray-photography-by-nick-veasey/
i-d.vice.com/en_uk/article/v7vg7a/fear-of-codependency Unpacking our generational fear of codependency of i-D, by none other than LAURA PITCHER (!!)
Day late dollar short but It’s a Friday once again! It’s August 12th, 2022 and if youuu cannnn believe it!!!!
Upcoming Events
Local, AKST Time:
Mutual Aid Meetup/Field Day- August 14th 1-4PM at Chanshtnu Muldoon Park- Set to be some mutual AID for the soul! Generous community members contributing free yoga, photos, & Narcan training, live DJing, clothes and plants swap facilitation, and even mocktails!
Alaska Statewide Primary Election Day- August 16th
Full Moon - September 10th at 1:59AM
Community Action Meetup- September 10th at 1PM- Meetup for those interested in or working on all causes mutual aid, harm reduction, community care, and abolition-related. Text (907)841-3767 for location
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